Surgical strength

Ben had to have surgery on his ears. Again. His third surgery in 4 years and even though it is probably the smallest of the surgeries it was by far the hardest. At the ripe age of 10 Ben was fully aware of what would happen.

Rewind to the doctors office. It's like Ben knew this was a pivotal day. We'd been following up with the doctor frequently because his ears were getting progressively worse. Each time we'd get in the car the conversation was the same.

"Mom, what's he gonna do?"

"He's gonna look in your ears."

"Is that it? Is that all he's gonna do?"

"I don't know Ben. He needs to do what he needs to do."

"But what if he says I need surgery?"

Soothingly..."We'll cross that bridge when we get to it."

The fact that Derek was with us on this particular trip is probably what tipped him off. He was apprehensive in the car and very quiet. While we were waiting for the doctor the games of I Spy and Bubble Gum we'd played on previous visits were of no interest to him. The doctor came in, did his exam and gave us the news. As he described the state of Ben's ears and the need for the surgery Ben sat quietly, a few large tears sneaking beneath his glasses. The date was set and the countdown to "the day" began.

There were times in these past few weeks when I would look and Ben and know that he was thinking about the surgery. A look in his eye would reveal his apprehension. Occasionally he'd ask: "How many days til my surgery?". I'd give him the answer and he'd shake his head.

The night before the surgery was brutal. We tried to keep him busy, keep his mind off of it but it was impossible. The next morning he was slow to get out of bed. He couldn't eat or drink anything so we all went without breakfast. When it was time to go I went to get him in his room and he was sitting silently, crying. I thought my heart would break.

The trip down was just as brutal with a few failed attempts to distract.

Finally we were there. Finally we were called in. As he undressed and got into the surgical gown he was trying so hard to keep it together. The tears were flowing but he was trying to be brave. He took the medicine and started to relax a little. It was time to for us to go. I gave him a hug, told him I loved him, and that I'd be there when he woke up. A few feet out the door I was a sobbing mess.

He did great. He is my brave little boy.

As tough as that day was for all of us it made me acutely aware of what's important. My family, our health and our love for one another. The pure emotion in that day won't soon be forgotten. I am so thankful for that day and for the way it made me feel.