I woke up today and didn't want to get up. I would have much preferred to bury my head under the pillow and try to go back to sleep. I say "try" because sleep is something that doesn't come frequently or stay very long for me. Raising teenagers, running two businesses in a crappy economy and just plain getting older has stressed me to limits I didn't even know existed. While my body is saying stop, sleep, rest my mind is saying how, when and why. The result being many a restless, sleepless night.
So today I just didn't want to do it. Things to me looked bleak and sad. I listened to country music while taking a shower and shed a few tears, hoping to just get it out of my system. There was quiet conversation with the kids as we went through our daily routine, but none of the laughing or smiling that usually accompanies the morning ritual. Derek sensed the mood immediately and to his credit steered clear, knowing that the simple question "Are you all right?" would probably bring me to my knees. And then they were gone and it was just me. I didn't want to go. I wanted to put my sweats on and curl up in a ball, feeling sorry for all that is going on right now. Why is life so hard? When will it get easier? Why do I feel so unhappy?
I must have been sending out a vibe to my friends and family. I got a text from my friend in South Carolina. Just a quick "hope you have a good day". It didn't cure my mood but for a split second I smiled. I quietly entered the office, head low, hoping no one wanted conversation. I buried my head in my work and after some time I heard my Mom coming into the office. An unannounced visit just to say "hi". And a hug. Amanda was next, at my desk after noticing on her way in that I was, perhaps, a little off today. Her gentle prodding and kind words reminding me that I am not in this alone. Then Derek, being pushy (which so isn't like Derek), forcing me to take a walk in the sunshine. We didn't talk much but rather held hands and enjoyed the blue sky and warmth on our faces, understanding each others needs to just be together.
Here I am 10 hours later. Nothing about my life has changed since this morning and yet I am smiling. I have incredible friends, the best mom in the world and a husband who just gets me. So to all of you I say thank you. I really needed it today.
