I woke up today and didn't want to get up. I would have much preferred to bury my head under the pillow and try to go back to sleep. I say "try" because sleep is something that doesn't come frequently or stay very long for me. Raising teenagers, running two businesses in a crappy economy and just plain getting older has stressed me to limits I didn't even know existed. While my body is saying stop, sleep, rest my mind is saying how, when and why. The result being many a restless, sleepless night.
So today I just didn't want to do it. Things to me looked bleak and sad. I listened to country music while taking a shower and shed a few tears, hoping to just get it out of my system. There was quiet conversation with the kids as we went through our daily routine, but none of the laughing or smiling that usually accompanies the morning ritual. Derek sensed the mood immediately and to his credit steered clear, knowing that the simple question "Are you all right?" would probably bring me to my knees. And then they were gone and it was just me. I didn't want to go. I wanted to put my sweats on and curl up in a ball, feeling sorry for all that is going on right now. Why is life so hard? When will it get easier? Why do I feel so unhappy?
I must have been sending out a vibe to my friends and family. I got a text from my friend in South Carolina. Just a quick "hope you have a good day". It didn't cure my mood but for a split second I smiled. I quietly entered the office, head low, hoping no one wanted conversation. I buried my head in my work and after some time I heard my Mom coming into the office. An unannounced visit just to say "hi". And a hug. Amanda was next, at my desk after noticing on her way in that I was, perhaps, a little off today. Her gentle prodding and kind words reminding me that I am not in this alone. Then Derek, being pushy (which so isn't like Derek), forcing me to take a walk in the sunshine. We didn't talk much but rather held hands and enjoyed the blue sky and warmth on our faces, understanding each others needs to just be together.
Here I am 10 hours later. Nothing about my life has changed since this morning and yet I am smiling. I have incredible friends, the best mom in the world and a husband who just gets me. So to all of you I say thank you. I really needed it today.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Growing Pains
Today I took my daughter to the doctor for a physical. She is 13 and needed to be cleared to play lacrosse. I hadn't given the appointment much thought, thinking only how much of my day would the long wait in the germ infested waiting room take and would the visit be covered under my ever-diminishing health insurance coverage. We checked in got forms to fill out and had a seat. 2 minutes later we were called in.
I should have realized this appointment would be different when one of the forms was for Julia to fill out and not me. It was a form about depression and peer pressure. As I watched her fill it out and read the questions, looking up at me as if to say "Why are they asking me this", I realized how much time has gone by.
Gone are the days when I had to haul the car seat in from the car along with my purse, keys and mammoth diaper bag. Often there would be a second kid in tow (Julia's brother Ben) and most times I was running late with the telltale "spit up" shoulder. Neither of my kids will ever be weighed in the small little scales that are in the exam rooms. Now they stand tall, reaching for every inch, straightening and perhaps growing right in front of my eyes.
Instead of the visit being about where my daughter fell on the growth chart or what types of food she was eating or even a nagging ear infection this visit focused on drugs, peer pressure and sex. Talk of how long she'd been walking was replaced by menstrual cramps and bullying. The shots offered this time weren't for the flu or chicken pox. Nope. It was for the human papilloma virus spread from sexual intercourse.
Oh. My. God. She's growing up right before my eyes. It doesn't seem possible that she could be old enough to answer such daunting questions about drug use and depression. But she is and she did. She handled all the questions with blunt honesty and candor.
She's my little girl. Only she's not so little anymore.
I should have realized this appointment would be different when one of the forms was for Julia to fill out and not me. It was a form about depression and peer pressure. As I watched her fill it out and read the questions, looking up at me as if to say "Why are they asking me this", I realized how much time has gone by.
Gone are the days when I had to haul the car seat in from the car along with my purse, keys and mammoth diaper bag. Often there would be a second kid in tow (Julia's brother Ben) and most times I was running late with the telltale "spit up" shoulder. Neither of my kids will ever be weighed in the small little scales that are in the exam rooms. Now they stand tall, reaching for every inch, straightening and perhaps growing right in front of my eyes.
Instead of the visit being about where my daughter fell on the growth chart or what types of food she was eating or even a nagging ear infection this visit focused on drugs, peer pressure and sex. Talk of how long she'd been walking was replaced by menstrual cramps and bullying. The shots offered this time weren't for the flu or chicken pox. Nope. It was for the human papilloma virus spread from sexual intercourse.
Oh. My. God. She's growing up right before my eyes. It doesn't seem possible that she could be old enough to answer such daunting questions about drug use and depression. But she is and she did. She handled all the questions with blunt honesty and candor.
She's my little girl. Only she's not so little anymore.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Forgiveness
I'm teetering on the edge of forgiveness and anger. Without going into detail I have had a relationship with someone go sour and in the aftermath I find myself struggling. Struggling to sort through it, analyze it, re-live it, talk about it, not talk about it and of course question it. I've read articles on forgiveness, books on self improvement and had many conversations with friends and family on the right path to choose. But honestly, it's really hard.
Forgiveness is a funny thing. Some say it's easier to forgive then forget, but I disagree. There are days that go by that I do forget that things have changed. I live those days in denial and am blissfully unaware. I look forward to those days.
The other days (which outnumber those blissful days listed above) I struggle with. I can talk a good game about forgiveness, give advice to those who ask (and even sometimes those who don't) and explain all the negatives associated with NOT forgiving. I can watch a Dr. Phil show about the damage you can do to yourself by holding on to anger and wholeheartedly agree with him. Even shaking my head at the person on t.v. for not seeing for themselves the damage it is doing to them and those around them.
Yet here I am stuck between the anger and the forgiveness. I know its not doing me any good to rehash all that has happened in my mind, day after day, but I feel helpless to stop it. I admit that some days I feel up to the challenge of "letting it all go" and on those days I do feel pretty good. Am I just in denial those days or is forgiveness something that needs to be worked at to keep it going? Is forgiveness a skill? The more you do it the better you get? If that's the case then I guess I need practice.
So I'll start here and now. I forgive you.
Forgiveness is a funny thing. Some say it's easier to forgive then forget, but I disagree. There are days that go by that I do forget that things have changed. I live those days in denial and am blissfully unaware. I look forward to those days.
The other days (which outnumber those blissful days listed above) I struggle with. I can talk a good game about forgiveness, give advice to those who ask (and even sometimes those who don't) and explain all the negatives associated with NOT forgiving. I can watch a Dr. Phil show about the damage you can do to yourself by holding on to anger and wholeheartedly agree with him. Even shaking my head at the person on t.v. for not seeing for themselves the damage it is doing to them and those around them.
Yet here I am stuck between the anger and the forgiveness. I know its not doing me any good to rehash all that has happened in my mind, day after day, but I feel helpless to stop it. I admit that some days I feel up to the challenge of "letting it all go" and on those days I do feel pretty good. Am I just in denial those days or is forgiveness something that needs to be worked at to keep it going? Is forgiveness a skill? The more you do it the better you get? If that's the case then I guess I need practice.
So I'll start here and now. I forgive you.
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