Back at the Ranch

Three years ago I spent a week at Double H Ranch.  It was one of the most fulfilling experiences I have ever had.  Sadly its taken me 3 years to get back here but last night I checked in for the week. To say that I was nervous and anxious would be an understatement.  I'm a nurse, but not an active nurse.  Yes, its like riding a bike, and for the most part you remember the minute your back in this environment.  But knowing that 9 little girls age 6-8 are depending on me to be sure that they get the medicine and care they need to enjoy this experience is a bit daunting.  The other nurses here are super supportive and will answer any questions you have.  Even the ones that sound dumb.  But sometimes you don't want to be that nurse that asks the questions.  For me it feels like I'm a failure if I don't know the answer. ( I struggle with this in almost every aspect of my life).

Then I take a step back and think about what I'm worrying about.  I'm worried about perception and feeling sorry for myself.  Really?  I'm at a camp with kids dealing with life threatening illnesses.  Kids whose lives are ruled by the medications that they take, the constant concern with the temperature to be sure they don't go into a crises and the aches & pains of chronic disease.  But when these kids get to camp they don't worry about feeling sorry for themselves.  They simply enjoy being here.  They get as much as they can out of every minute.  And they forget that they are sick.

I am learning so much from the nurses and staff around me but mostly I am learning from the kids.  This place is like no other and I am so glad to be here.

External support

I woke up today and didn't want to get up. I would have much preferred to bury my head under the pillow and try to go back to sleep. I say "try" because sleep is something that doesn't come frequently or stay very long for me. Raising teenagers, running two businesses in a crappy economy and just plain getting older has stressed me to limits I didn't even know existed. While my body is saying stop, sleep, rest my mind is saying how, when and why. The result being many a restless, sleepless night.

So today I just didn't want to do it. Things to me looked bleak and sad. I listened to country music while taking a shower and shed a few tears, hoping to just get it out of my system. There was quiet conversation with the kids as we went through our daily routine, but none of the laughing or smiling that usually accompanies the morning ritual. Derek sensed the mood immediately and to his credit steered clear, knowing that the simple question "Are you all right?" would probably bring me to my knees. And then they were gone and it was just me. I didn't want to go. I wanted to put my sweats on and curl up in a ball, feeling sorry for all that is going on right now. Why is life so hard? When will it get easier? Why do I feel so unhappy?

I must have been sending out a vibe to my friends and family. I got a text from my friend in South Carolina. Just a quick "hope you have a good day". It didn't cure my mood but for a split second I smiled. I quietly entered the office, head low, hoping no one wanted conversation. I buried my head in my work and after some time I heard my Mom coming into the office. An unannounced visit just to say "hi". And a hug. Amanda was next, at my desk after noticing on her way in that I was, perhaps, a little off today. Her gentle prodding and kind words reminding me that I am not in this alone. Then Derek, being pushy (which so isn't like Derek), forcing me to take a walk in the sunshine. We didn't talk much but rather held hands and enjoyed the blue sky and warmth on our faces, understanding each others needs to just be together.

Here I am 10 hours later. Nothing about my life has changed since this morning and yet I am smiling. I have incredible friends, the best mom in the world and a husband who just gets me. So to all of you I say thank you. I really needed it today.

Growing Pains

Today I took my daughter to the doctor for a physical. She is 13 and needed to be cleared to play lacrosse. I hadn't given the appointment much thought, thinking only how much of my day would the long wait in the germ infested waiting room take and would the visit be covered under my ever-diminishing health insurance coverage. We checked in got forms to fill out and had a seat. 2 minutes later we were called in.

I should have realized this appointment would be different when one of the forms was for Julia to fill out and not me. It was a form about depression and peer pressure. As I watched her fill it out and read the questions, looking up at me as if to say "Why are they asking me this", I realized how much time has gone by.

Gone are the days when I had to haul the car seat in from the car along with my purse, keys and mammoth diaper bag. Often there would be a second kid in tow (Julia's brother Ben) and most times I was running late with the telltale "spit up" shoulder. Neither of my kids will ever be weighed in the small little scales that are in the exam rooms. Now they stand tall, reaching for every inch, straightening and perhaps growing right in front of my eyes.

Instead of the visit being about where my daughter fell on the growth chart or what types of food she was eating or even a nagging ear infection this visit focused on drugs, peer pressure and sex. Talk of how long she'd been walking was replaced by menstrual cramps and bullying. The shots offered this time weren't for the flu or chicken pox. Nope. It was for the human papilloma virus spread from sexual intercourse.

Oh. My. God. She's growing up right before my eyes. It doesn't seem possible that she could be old enough to answer such daunting questions about drug use and depression. But she is and she did. She handled all the questions with blunt honesty and candor.

She's my little girl. Only she's not so little anymore.

Forgiveness

I'm teetering on the edge of forgiveness and anger. Without going into detail I have had a relationship with someone go sour and in the aftermath I find myself struggling. Struggling to sort through it, analyze it, re-live it, talk about it, not talk about it and of course question it. I've read articles on forgiveness, books on self improvement and had many conversations with friends and family on the right path to choose. But honestly, it's really hard.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. Some say it's easier to forgive then forget, but I disagree. There are days that go by that I do forget that things have changed. I live those days in denial and am blissfully unaware. I look forward to those days.

The other days (which outnumber those blissful days listed above) I struggle with. I can talk a good game about forgiveness, give advice to those who ask (and even sometimes those who don't) and explain all the negatives associated with NOT forgiving. I can watch a Dr. Phil show about the damage you can do to yourself by holding on to anger and wholeheartedly agree with him. Even shaking my head at the person on t.v. for not seeing for themselves the damage it is doing to them and those around them.

Yet here I am stuck between the anger and the forgiveness. I know its not doing me any good to rehash all that has happened in my mind, day after day, but I feel helpless to stop it. I admit that some days I feel up to the challenge of "letting it all go" and on those days I do feel pretty good. Am I just in denial those days or is forgiveness something that needs to be worked at to keep it going? Is forgiveness a skill? The more you do it the better you get? If that's the case then I guess I need practice.

So I'll start here and now. I forgive you.

Extended Family

I had the luxury of being home with my kids this summer. A few days of work scattered here and there but for the most part I was a full time Mom. Lazy days by the pool. Trips to Lake George or Vermont. Days spent just hanging around, knowing we had endless days ahead of us to spend together. It has been everything I hoped it could be and more.

I also had the privilege of having my parents live at the bottom of our driveway for most of the summer in their RV. In and out of the driveway I'd go, taking the kids here and there, waving at my folks on my way by. Stopping down for a mid-morning chat with my Mom. A family dinner on the back deck. Chats with my Dad about house stuff. It, too, was everything I hoped it could be.

Now, as the summer is coming to an end and the kids are headed back to school in a few days I find myself thinking a lot about this summer. I am so lucky. I will remember this summer and smile. My kids will tell stories of the summer their Grandparents lived with them. We made memories just being together.

Comfort Zone

Ok. It's time to get out of my comfort zone.

I'm a close to the vest kind of girl. I share but I'd rather listen. Blogging has been a big step forward for me. I enjoy writing and often feel better after I write. So why not jump in with both feet?

On Thursday I am heading down to BlogHer in New York City with two girls from the office. Both are avid bloggers with a lot more experience in the blogging world than me. I'm hoping to learn a lot and perhaps come out of my shell a little. It's scary, but in a good kind of way.

Here's to stepping out.

Living in the Moment

I have said the words myself.

Too many times to count.

I have counseled friends, family and even those I didn't really know, advising them to live in the moment, savor each precious second good or bad, be present.

And yet I have trouble actually doing it. There are days when I'm pretty good at it. Letting the daily chores go in favor of swimming with the kids. Leaving work projects for another day to sit quietly and read. But for the most part I am constantly thinking and anticipating what comes next. Living anywhere but in that moment.

There's been a fire.....

Life constantly tries to remind me that there are many more things out of my control than in my control but I do not listen. I'm too worried about what's going to happen later in the day, over the weekend or next month.

I've been in an accident....

I am stubborn. I think that by anticipating whats going to happen I'll be ready or prepared. That somehow things will be easier if I can just figure it all out. That I can certainly be doing things to accomplish just that much more.

We're going to have to let him go....

Why is it so hard for me to just be? To be thankful for whats happening right now. To be grateful for the ups and downs I've been handed. To cherish the infinite number of moments during the day when I am so blessedly lucky. Why must I always get caught up in the other stuff?

Will you marry me....

I have a wonderful life, filled with beautiful people, loving family and unbelievable memories. I have the most incredible husband who loves me more than I think I will ever know. We are best friends. He makes me laugh. He holds my hand and dries my tears.

It's a girl....

I have fantastic children. A daughter who is a lovely young lady with hopes, dreams, goals, talent and great sense of humor. She plays a mean violin and can hold her own on the piano. She will still hold my hand (at least when no one is looking) and has grades that could get her into an ivy league school. She is kind. She is considerate. She is beautiful.

It's a boy....

A son who is healthy, strong, athletic and respectful, with a great sense of humor. He is an avid fisherman and would opt for hours on the bank of a river for a video game any day of the week. He is smart and caring and he too, still holds my hand. He loves school, his friends and just hanging with his family. He is sweet. He is handsome.

It's going to be okay....

I am blessed.

I will try harder to be present for every breath, every laugh, every tear, every moment. Not because I've been told to or because I have a sign in my house that says so. But because it is these moments that have brought me to this one. It is these moments that have made me who I am. It is these moments that have given me my life.

I will try harder.